Murphy Finds Religion and his Hat

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass, what made ya come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat.  I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn came to church every Sunday.  I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."
The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right ?

Murphy slowly shook his head and said, "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left me hat."

Gallagher opened the morning paper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. Quickly he phoned his best friend Finney. “Did you see the paper?” asked Gallagher. “They say I died.”

“Yes I saw it,” replied Finney. “Where are ye callin’ from?”

Paddy was in the Big Apple, patiently waiting to cross a busy street. The traffic cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted,“Okay, pedestrians. Then he’d allow the traffic to pass again. Paddy was still standing on the footpath after several rounds. After the cop had shouted, Pedestrians for the 10th time, Paddy went over to him and said, When do the bloody Catholics get a turn?

Grandma's Birth Control.

A doctor who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life
finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring
a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.

As the young doctor looked through the list, his eyes grew wide as he
realised she had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith,
do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?!?"
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that
could possibly help you sleep!"

She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know
that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of
orange juice that my 16-year-old granddaughter drinks......And believe me,
it helps me sleep at night!"

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.
When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the
Irishman started to leave.
"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"
"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"
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"I've Lost Me Luggage"
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
"No," replied the Irishman "I've lost all me luggage!"
"How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.

*****************************************************
"Water to Wine"
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
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"The Brothel"
Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.
They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well."
Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be dying.
*************************************
Irish Cemetery
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard..
"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died."!
Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!"
"What was his name?" asks Paddy.
Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims,
"Miles, from Dublin."
***************************************************

Irish Predicament
Drunk Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the Ole just sits there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."
***************************************************

Irish Last Request
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun!'

He said She said

1. He said....I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

She said... You wear pants don't you?

2. He said...since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.

She said...Well, you succeeded.

3. He said...Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said...That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

4. He said...What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

5. He said....Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?

She said...I would but you are never there.

6. On a wall in a ladies room...."My husband follows me everywhere"

Written just below it..."I do not"

7. Why don't women blink during foreplay?

They don't have time.

8. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?

He buys two cases of beer.

9. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?

They already have boyfriends.

10. Why are married women heavier than single women?

Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.

Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Too Smart for 1st Grade
A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Little Johnny what is your problem?"
Little Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in
the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!"
The teacher had enough. She took Little Johnny to the principal's office.
While Little Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to
the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the
boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the
first grade and behave. The teacher agreed.
Little Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed
to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Little Johnny: "9"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Little Johnny: "36"
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grade should know.
The principal looks at the teacher and tells her,
"I think Little Johnny can go to the third grade."
The teacher says to the principal,
"Let me ask him some questions?"
The principal and Little Johnny both agree.
Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Little Johnny: "Legs"
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
(The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!)
Little Johnny: "Pockets"
Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Little Johnny: "Pants"
Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains
thin whitish liquid?"
(The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...)
Little Johnny: "Coconut"
Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
Little Johnny: "Bubble gum"
Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?"
(The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...)
Little Johnny: "Shake hands"
Teacher: "Now I will ask some '"Who am I" sort of questions, okay?"
Little Johnny: "Yup"
Teacher: you blow me, you feel good"
Little Johnny: "Nose"
Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver"
Little Johnny: "Arrow"
Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?"
Little Johnny: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
"Put him in the fifth grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself".

Irishman

An Irishma n draws 6 vertical lines side by side and says to his mate make that add up to 9

His mate thinks for awhile then draws a squiggly line across the top of each pair and says Tree+Tree+Tree = 9

Ok then says Irishman, make it add up to 99

The mate scribbles all over the trees, Dirty Tree, Dirty Tree, Dirty Tree =99

All-right then, make it add to 100

The mate takes his pen again and draws a little black blob at the base of each tree, Dirty Tree and a Turn, Dirty Tree and a Turn, Dirty Tree and a Turn = 100

Paddy and Mick are walking home after a night on the piss. They've got no money to get a taxi and are staggering all over the place when they find  themselves outside a bus depot.

      Paddy has a brainwave and says to Mick "Get in there and steal a bus so we can drive home and I'll stay out here and look out for the police"

       Mick duly breaks into the depot and is gone for twenty minutes while Paddy is wondering what the hell he is doing. Eventually Paddy sticks his head around the door and sees Mick running from bus to bus looking very worried.

       " What in all hell are you doing Mick, get a move on!  " to which Mick  replies   " I can't find a number 7 anywhere Paddy   " where upon Paddy, holding his hands to his head in disbelief, shouts

       " You f....... idiot Mick, steal a number 9 and we'll get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the way!"

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me.

If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey".

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father.

The priest said, "I don't believe this.

You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it.

At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.

"Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest.

"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"

O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Paddy was in New York. He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.

The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians".

Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.

He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

Oh yeah?"said Charlie "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken sh8t"